The Brent Effect/Transcript
Hank Yarbo: Hey, Brent, how tall are you? Brent Leroy: Same height as usual. I'm just sittin' down. Hank: How tall are you? Brent: Ah, about five nine. Hank: My point exactly. Brent: Did I just lose an argument? Hank: My point is that nobody from our generation uses the metric system for height. We use kilometres, we use litres, we use grams. But the height thing never made the transition to the metric system from the old whatever it's called system. Brent: Are we in an argument? Hank: Ask anybody over 30 how tall they are, they're gonna tell ya in feet and inches. Brent: Huh? Hank: Watch. Hey, Wanda. Wanda Dollard: What? Hank: What size is that milk you're puttin' out? Wanda: Some two litres and some half litres. Hank: Hmm? How tall are you? Wanda: Yes, Hank, I'm short. Very funny. You're a regular Jay Lame-o. I'm still tall enough to kick your sorry ass. Brent: Now ask her if she's over 30. Lacey Burrows: Wanda, can I talk to you about something? Wanda: What's up? Lacey: Well, it's kind of sensitive. Wanda: Have I got bad breath? Something in my teeth? Lacey: No. It involves a guy. Wanda: Dump him. He's not worth your trouble. Lacey: You don't even know who I'm talking about. Wanda: If he's anyone around here, he's not worth your trouble. Lacey: It's Brent. Now you've got something in your teeth. Karen Pelly: Don't take your coat off. We got a call. Davis Quinton: A what? Karen: Reports of gunfire just west of town. Davis: Relax. It's nothin'. Karen: Nothing? It's three, maybe four gunshots. Davis: It was three, I think. Yeah, three. Karen: They were your shots? Davis: Yeah. I was down at Lumsden's farm. He had a buncha crows eatin' his corn. Karen: So you figured the best thing to do would be to start shooting at them? Davis: Well, not right at them, but yeah, had to chase them off. That stupid scarecrow he's got is useless. It isn't scary in the least. A scarecrow should look scary. That's the whole point. Karen: Davis, I know you're my senior officer, so I say this with all due respect. How stupid are you? You can't just fire your gun off willy-nilly. Davis: It wasn't willy-nilly. It was at crows. Karen: You have to file a report every time you fire your weapon, whatever the reason. Davis: It was crows, I said. Are you even listening? Wanda: You're having a thing with Brent? Lacey: You work with Brent. Does he ever talk about me? Wanda: Sure, every day. Lacey: Really? What does he say? Wanda: It depends on what your specials are. Lacey: Specials? Wanda: The lunch specials. If you have something like a steak sandwich, he thinks you're the greatest. But if it's some salad with pine nuts and filberts and stuff from goats, it sours him up for the rest of the day. Lacey: Oh. Wanda: Lacey, are you having some kinda thing with Brent? Lacey: No. Maybe. I mean we almost had a thing, I think. Wanda: Settle down. You're gettin' me hot. Brent: Do you still have that outboard motor or did some stooge buy it? Hank: I got someone to buy it. 90 bucks! Brent: Ooh. Who's the sap? Hank: Yeah, I'd rather not say. The buyer wants to keep it quiet. Oscar: You gotta hide me. Brent: Hide you? Oscar: If your mother finds me, she'll pull my arms off. Brent: Mom's been here for five minutes. Oscar: You snitch. Brent: Dad, if you're hiding from someone, don't hide in the place that you go to every day. Lacey: When Brent and I went to Regina to see the Grey Cup, his car ran out of gas and we spent the day together. At one point we started discussing relationships or something and then we... Wanda: Did you sleep with Brent? Lacey: No! Wanda: Did you and Brent make out? Lacey: Well, no. Wanda: Well, what? Did you see him pee or something? Lacey: No. Well, yeah. But that's not what I meant. We almost kissed. Wanda: You almost kissed? Lacey: Mmhmm. Wanda: Wow. That's a big deal...for grade seven. So you almost kissed. So now you want to know how proceed, huh, take things to the next level? Lacey: No. No, no. The exact opposite. I, I just wanna be friends. But I'm afraid if I tell Brent that it'll hurt his feelings... Wanda: If you gimme five bucks I'll tell him. Lacey: No. That would hurt his feelings more. Plus, he would think I was a coward. Wanda: Then give me five bucks or I'll tell him. I need five bucks. Emma: Your father's done a lot of stupid things. Brent: You just realized that? Emma: But he's never stolen from me. Brent: You stole from Mom? Emma: $90. Oscar: It was found money. Brent: Where'd you find 90 bucks? Oscar: In the house, in our house. Emma: In my nightstand, on my side of the bed, in a drawer, in an envelope marked "Do not touch." Oscar: How am I supposed to read in the dark? Brent: Dad, don't tell me you're the sap buying Hank's motor? Oscar: Fine. I won't tell ya. Karen: "And any firing of the sidearm shall warrant a full and thorough internal report to be executed and filed by a fellow officer." Davis: How are we supposed to know what's right and what's wrong when they keep adding new rules? Karen: This was published in 1964. Davis: I wasn't even a cop in '64. How am I supposed to know that stuff? Emma: That's why you need the money, for a stupid outboard motor? Oscar: Maybe I'm buyin' you a present. Emma: You bought me a plastic butter dish 15 years ago and now another present? Oscar: Oh, keep it up and you won't get nothin'. Lacey: Can I talk to you? Brent: Yeah, okay. Wanda, can you take over? Wanda: Yeah, I think I can manage. Emma: That's my money. Oscar: If it's your money, how come I have it? Brent: So, what's up? I got somethin' in my teeth? Lacey: No. It's about our trip to the Grey Cup. Brent: Oh. Lacey: We, we had that moment, or kinda had that moment, and I was just... Brent: Look, Lacey, um, I was kinda hopin' we could avoid this altogether. I don't feel like we should be a couple. You know? I, I think you're great and I like ya a lot. It's just I honestly feel like we're supposed to be friends. So let's just stay friends, okay? Will you be all right with that? Lacey: Oh, sure. Yeah. That's great, actually. Because that's what I was just gonna say. Brent: Really? Excellent. Lacey: Right. I'm just curious as to why you-you don't, um... Brent: Back to work. Talk to ya later. What are the lunch specials today? Lacey: Uh, pork chops. Brent: Oh, yes! You rule! Karen: Okay, so I'll just ask you a few questions, file a quick report, and, ah, we'll be done here. Okay? Davis: All right, I guess. Karen: So, you say you were out by Lumsden's farm? Davis: Yeah, just west of town. Karen: Driving your patrol car? Davis: Of course. Karen: Okay, okay. We're on the same side here, Davis. No need to get defensive. Davis: I'm not. Karen: You're not on my side? Davis: I'm not defensive. Karen: Hmm. Oscar: We can work this out. Emma: Yeah, if you give me my money. Jenny (Driver): I just want some gas. So could you... Emma: Do I look like I work here? Jenny: Does anyone work here? Brent: Hey, how ya doin'? Can I check the oil, clean the windshield? Do you collect Air Miles at all? Jenny: I just want outta here. Brent: I know that feeling. Mom, Dad, settle down, okay? We're gonna have civilian casualties here and then we got the UN crawlin' all over the place. Come again. Oh, hey! We gotta find a solution to this. Emma: I've been saving for six months to buy a new mixer and I'm buying a new mixer. Brent: Hang on a second. Dad wants a new outboard motor, Mom wants a new mixer. Oh, okay, that won't work. But you guys have to compromise. Emma: It's too late. Brent: Geez, he can really move when he wants to. Emma: It's okay. I know where he lives. Wanda: Hey. How did your talk with Brent go? Lacey: Before I had a chance to tell him that I wasn't really attracted to him, he told me he wasn't really attracted to me. Wanda: Mmm, aah. Lacey: Yeah. So it's good, you know, because I didn't have to hurt his feelings and...now I'm just wondering why... Wanda: Why he's not attracted to you? Lacey: Yeah. I, I'm, I'm just curious. Wanda: No offence, Lacey, but uh, you're kinda shootin' for the moon, there. Lacey: Pardon? Wanda: You know? I mean Brent's just a bit outta your league. Lacey: Ah, out of my... Wanda: No offence. You are a lovely, intelligent woman. It's just that Brent's kind of unattainable. Lacey: Really? Wanda: If we're talkin' just pure, raw, physical animal attractiveness, the average guy is, and Brent is. Lacey: Wow. 'Cause, you know, I've really, I, I really never thought of him like that. Wanda: Atta girl. You tell yourself whatever you need to, to get over the sting of rejection, and then you pick yourself back up and you get back in the game. You know, lower your standards, then get back in the game. Karen: So you fired your gun off at 2:00? But you didn't get back here until 2:20. What were you doin' for 20 minutes? Davis: Nothing. Karen: 20 minutes is a lot of nothing. Davis: What's that supposed to mean? Karen: Nothin'. Just a lotta nothin', just thinkin' out loud. You look like you could use a break. You want a coffee? Davis: Yeah. Karen: We're all out. Lacey: Strange. Hank: What's that? Lacey: Oh. Wanda was just saying that Brent's really attractive. Hank: Oh. Yeah. I don't know how she does it, havin' to work with him every day. Lacey: What do you mean? Hank: He's gorgeous. I mean I'm a guy, I can't tell. I just see the way women throw themselves at him. Lacey: Brent Leroy? Hank: Good looks, gas station. Some guys have all the luck. Lacey: So Brent's really good looking? Hank: I know! Karen: So how often would you say you fire your handgun in the, ah, course of a week? Davis: I don't know. I, I don't keep track. I thought you said we were out of coffee. Karen: Did I? Lacey: Emma? Hey, uh, could I ask you something? Emma: Sure. Lacey: Okay. Here it goes. Uh, do you think your son might be attracted to me? Emma: Oh, I don't know. I hope so. You're a nice, pretty girl, you run your own business. You'd do Brent a world of good. Lacey: Oh, no. Thanks, Emma. That's very sweet. But I don't want you to think... Emma: The problem though, is with Brent himself. In relationships, he's his own worst enemy. Lacey: What do you mean? Emma: He's so good looking. Too good looking, really. It can be a curse as well as a blessing. Lacey: Oh, I imagine it would be. Emma: You're not the first to fall for that chiselled face, and I'm afraid you won't be the last. So don't be too hurt if Brent ends up being a little bit beyond your reach. Lacey: Oh, well. Thank you, Emma. I, I'll keep that in mind. But, just to be clear, I'm not falling for Brent. Emma: Sure you're not. Aww. Hank: Did you get the money? Oscar: I damn near died for it. Hank: All right. There it is. Oscar: Hah, hah. Come to Papa. Geez! What does this thing weigh? Hank: 50 kilograms. Oscar: Kilograms? Talk right. Hank: That's metric. Oscar: Metric? I got news for ya, Hank. We won the war. So what's the horsepower of this baby? Hank: It's like, 15 horsepower. Oscar: Hah! Hank: That's like 7,000 metric. Oscar: Really? Hank: Mmhmm. Oscar: You got yourself a deal. Karen: Anyplace else? Davis: All over the place. I shoot at sign posts, sometimes at sparrows, only because I know I'll never hit them. And, and sometimes I, I shoot straight up into air, you know, to celebrate stuff. Karen: Well, this has been a real eye opener, Davis. I gotta tell ya. Davis: Now what? I, I, I mean what'll happen? What, what, what happens next? You think I'll get disciplined? You think I'll get fired? Karen: What happens next is I sign this report, make it official, and according to regulation, I hand the completed report to my superior officer. Here you go, sir. Emma: We need to talk. Hank: No, no, we don't. No. No. Talk, talk to Oscar. He's the one that stole your money while you were out with the church ladies getting ready for the bake sale. I don't know nothin' about it. Emma: I know it's not your fault, Hank. But I do need that money. So, you like to play pool, do ya? Hank: Yeah. Emma: How about you and I play a game of pool for that $90? Hank: I don't know, Emma. I'm, uh, I'm actually really good. I wouldn't want ya to think I was hustlin' ya. Emma: Rack 'em. Hank: There. I beat ya 10 games in a row. Can I go home now? Emma: How about the best 11 out of 21? Hank: Just take the money. Lacey: Hey. Could I ask you something? Karen: Sure. Lacey: Do you think I'm attractive? Karen: Ah, let's get one thing straight. I like guys. I know, sometimes with me being a cop, people make assumptions. I mean, we all have things in our past. High school, pyjama party, tickle fight. Lacey: Let's start over. Would you say that Brent is better looking, for a guy, than I am for a woman? Karen: I don't understand. Lacey: Brent told me he just wants to be friends, which is totally cool, and that's all I wanna be anyway. Karen: Oh, Lacey. So what if Brent doesn't want to go out with you. You are way better looking for girls than he is for boys, way! Lacey: Oh, Karen, thank you. Karen: No problem. I mean that's what friends do, right? Lacey: Mmhmm. Karen: They say things that aren't exactly true to make their friends feel good about themselves. Lacey: Is that what you just did? Karen: Yeah. Lacey: Usually you don't tell the person. Karen: Oh. Well, anyway, truth is, Brent is way outta your league. Just lower the bar a little. You'll find someone. Lacey: Oh. Lacey: You know how you guys all think that Brent is so handsome and unattainable and outta my league? Wanda: Now, Lacey, no one ever said that. Karen: Actually, I said something like that. Wanda: Oh, yeah, I did too. Lacey: Well, it seems to be a fairly general consensus around town. But I have a theory. Adaptation. Karen: Yeah, that's it, for sure. Wanda: Don't humour her until she's done. Karen: Sorry. Lacey: We have adapted to our surroundings, we have lowered our standards. I mean think about the men of Dog River. Do you see? We have adapted our standards because of what's available to us. Brent, because he's not tragically flawed, is seen as beautiful when held up against the average. Wanda: Well, I see what you're saying. But... Lacey: Do you see? Wanda agrees with me. Oh, I am so glad that's settled. Now I gotta get back to work. Karen: Was that as big a load as it sounded? Wanda: Huge load. She's livin' in a dream world. Karen: Yeah. Brent's not hot. Whatever. Oscar: Where you been? Emma: Thought I'd stay out of the house, give you a chance to rummage through my drawers and steal stuff. Oscar: You still upset about that? Stop livin' in the past. Emma: Oh, I'll get over it, Oscar. Because, trust me, you're gonna get yours. Oscar: What does that mean? Oscar: Unbelievable! She put holes in my boat! We'll see about this. Oscar: See? Two can play the hole game. Emma: What are you talking about? Oscar: You put holes in my boat, I put holes in your bowls. See how good your new mixer works now. Emma: I never put holes in your boat. Oscar: Oh, right. It's just sitting out there by Lumsden's farm and somebody comes along and shoots it. Davis: I gotta be more careful with my gun. Karen: So you're not mad at me anymore? Davis: Nah. You were right. You put a good scare into me. I learned my lesson. Hank: Davis, I got a nest of squirrels in my attic. Can I borrow your gun? Davis: There ya go. Hank: Thanks. Karen: Davis! Davis: Oh, right. When you're finished, you're gonna have to file a report. Hank: Yeah, not likely. Davis: What? Lacey: How's it goin'? Brent: I'm sittin' down, I'm eating. For a lazy glutton, this is like a perfect day. Lacey: What is it you love so much about chili cheese dogs? Brent: Are you kidding? What don't I love about them? Actually, I don't love the poppy seeds on the bun. Could you get some plain ones? Lacey: Just brush them off with your hands. Brent: You heard me say I'm lazy, right? Lacey: That's what you don't like about chili cheese dogs. What do you like about them? Brent: Oh, well, they're delicious, they're affordable, and, best of all, they're bite-sized. Lacey: You are so outta my league. Brent: What's that mean? Category:Transcripts